Just a soul groovin through life on a planet floating through infinity ~ creating who I wanna be ~
**ALL PICTURES FOUND ON THIS BLOG ARE MINE UNLESS OTHER CREDITS ARE GIVEN**
Neeeeeed nature, cuddles, tea, &meditation. Need to calm down and make a plan. Need clarity and need my anxiety to stop ruling everything. My thoughts, my choices. I can’t be ruled by fear. I need to be strong and grow from these experiences. I need to trust that I can do this & that all will be okay. I need to stay motivated and work hard. Really hard. I need all of these things. Not want, need.
I feel soooo….confused. Unsettled. Anxious. Restless. What am I doing? What am I supposed to be doing? Is this right? Is this wrong? All of these thoughts stemming from change. I keep talking myself down, “don’t resist it will only make things worse. Breathe. Everything is okay. Be grateful. Stop being anxious over things that haven’t even happened yet.” but while these talks to my mind bring temporary relief, I find only a minute of peace before the storm rises again. The resistance. The fact that my comfort zone is being taken from me.
My job is in the process of basically laying everyone in my department off, so I’m just left with unanswered questions and distressed feelings. Are they going to offer me another job? Do I need to find another job? Maybe..which is why I’ve been going to a couple interviews. Oh perf, more job opportunities. Oh wait, I don’t really want to work here..or there..or in this industry for that matter. This doesn’t fuel my soul and give me a sense of purpose. *heavy breathing” oh god, I don’t want this..what am I doing ? I don’t want to be stuck in a new roll, having to act “professional” for a company that probably will underpay me and implement loads of stress into my life. Stress that will seep it’s way into all aspects of my being, will make me see with clouded vision, which will make me lose sight of the TRUE world. This can’t be what my path has in store. Why was I so lost during those years of paying no rent? Why couldn’t I just know what I wanted to do back then and go to college like everyone else. Why am I different. I chose this.
Well maybe I can go to school for this..then become this. Then I won’t have to wake up and put on these dumb pants and be shut up in a cubicle and bust my ass for YOU. Maybe I can chose this path and go to college and bust my ass for ME. Invest in myself. My happiness. Not yours..I’m not saying you aren’t a good job, but I know how corporate is. I’m sick of it and I’ve barely had to work in it. ~grateful~
Can I do this…can I really do this and achieve my goals of not working in an office? Can I work hard for myself ? If not for myself than who? Who will I work so hard for? I’m lazy. I’m scared. But I’m also smart, I figure things out even if I mess up. I second guess and over think but I can get past it. Give me a sign universe, that this is what I’m meant to do. Help me to see past my own thoughts, and look inside myself for the answers. Help me to help myself be brave, motivated, to make the right choices.
I want this….I want this now…but “forever”?
They said choose a career. They said do this for the rest of your life.
Well..that’s a long time I told them. Maybe I’m not ready to commit to that. Maybe I haven’t found my calling.
But how much time do you need Jordan? Do you think you have all the time in the world? We all have so little time. You found a spark, which is more than you have found most times when seeking passion. You found a spark and maybe it’s time to stop smothering that spark and let it
I can do this. “I have immense potential in these little bones”
"Time to set out for all I wish to accomplish"
This is my time.